"That's about as useless as a Mom with a college degree." -- Kenneth, 30 Rock.
Alright.
The other day at church the lesson began with a simple question. (Paraphrasing here) The teacher posed a thought about what if there was no God/religion/eternal life? And how would our lives be different than they are now?
+Several of my peers answered that they wouldn't have to be so nice anymore because there would have been no Christ, therefore they didn't have to be Christlike.
+Others talked about how life would be pointless and how we'd all just live, and then have nothing to look forward to in the end.
+ Another was that the would feel incredibly lonely and empty. It was the last answer and the seeming consensus that made my mind stop.
+Women (in general) would lead boring lives and would just focus on their careers and advancement. They wouldn't want/understand the value and purpose of a family and children and they wouldn't have any.
After this comment, several women (a lot of them moms themselves) agreed whole-heartedly. I have no problem with the base idea. Yeah, a lot of women in our time choose career and advancement over family and that is their lives. But, that does by no means mean that they either do not want that at all, or are in the position to have control over that. I wasn't offended really, but more saddened. Earlier that week I had been promoted in my job. I am now a creative director and I oversee a group of designers. I was still sort of on the high of this exciting opportunity when this whole thing surfaced. It made me think about my life. I am an active LDS person in a Relief Society presidency, have been married for nearly 4 years, and I am an educated college graduate. My husband I chose to wait on the whole kid thing for many reasons:
+We want to pay for it all by ourselves and not rely on the government.
+Hubby is still in school and I am supporting us.
+We want our time together.
+It simply hasn't been time yet.
+We aren't really 'baby people'.
+When the time comes, it will come, and we will be happy.
Are we those people that lead boring lives and just care about our careers?
No.
I love my job. It's fun, I get to lead, I get to use my talents on a daily basis, and I am always learning. I also have a job.
What's so condemning about that?
There are billions of people in this world who favor, and their lives revolve around family. Not just the religious/LDS ones. The statement made it sound like only certain people could have that. I don't believe that at all.
Maybe someday when I at last have my three kiddos and we are playing at the park, I can see what happiness really could be. Happiness comes in stages. Right now, mine is graphic design and planning ahead. Why should I have to be on my second child instead to feel spiritually fulfilled?
I'm not bashing moms future or present. You made beautiful choices and are so much braver than I ever could be. I just hope for the same respect when it comes to building a stable life and choosing career and advancement for a small season. They made it sound like actually using a degree and talents were wrong, and that we should be solely at home, baking bread and changing diapers. This where I get lost. I do understand that family is a vital purpose to being here on Earth, but we shouldn't sound so medieval and condescending about it.
Right?
7 comments:
I agree with you - Mike has wanted kids since we got married, and it surprised me because I just had never really thought about it before, and I wanted to wait until we were more financially secure. Whenever I tell people I want to wait until he's out of school, they always reply with something like "Oh, okay I see. That's smart" And you can totally tell they're glad they didn't do it that way. But I still think being able to be at least semi-financially secure will make for one less hurdle to overcome (I'm sure parenthood provides you with enough other hurdles all by itself!) You just have to do what seems best to you. I'm pretty sure if you were meant to have kids by now, you'd have them. God is more powerful than birth control ;-)
This is Steph...
No, you're not wrong at all in thinking this way. I am a mom - maybe even a "single" mom even though I am married.. heh heh.. and look at what I am doing. I refuse to believe that the sole purpose of a woman is to nest and populate. Honestly, I feel bad for the ones who do feel that way - though, on the same hand, whatever makes you happy, right? But sometimes I wonder how people can decide they're happy if they haven't experienced all that life has to offer.. I am glad that you are taking the route you are with your family.
I just have one more comment.. if there was no god or whatever, the people of Earth would not know what they were missing out on. How could you miss something you had no idea ever existed? I'm curious as to what the intended lesson was here.. According to your beliefs, right, god created everything, so if there were no god, we wouldn't exist anyway?? This question confuses me..
Steph again.. :)
Oh, one more thing, just because any non-parent who is waiting to be financially secure before reproducing should be aware, you will NEVER have enough money for kids. Just, you know, be aware.. :) Although, I do think that it is a good idea to be able to make as much money as possible when and if you do have kids. That helps.
Clare-
CONGRATS ON THE PROMOTION!!!
first off thank you for writing this in such a pilot and thoughtful way. I can't tell you how many conversations i've had with my single friends about this same concept and the pressures and judgements we feel for the same reasons. I have come to conclude the same thing.
It makes me frustrated when people think that the only way to find happiness is by getting married and having kids. So does that mean you can't be happy when you were in Jr High? or what about in High school? I think that is why so many youth and single adults think there is something wrong with them if they are not dating and they are miserable. But obviously this is not true, we can be happy in Jr High and in High school because there are other things in our lives (including family and friends) that bring fullfilment and joy. Just because society tries to dictate the stages of our lives and when we should do things it doesn't mean that the Lord follows those stages.
As my wise father always said that the purpose of this life is to teach us to become eternal fathers and mothers. I don't think that you always have to have a kids or a spouse to do this. Otherwise how would a woman who never finds anyone to marry be happy?! Everything we do from our hobbies, our schooling, our work should be done with the purpose of learning to be a better father and mother. But the seasons of the Lord are different and individual. Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I'm not fulfilling my purpose and plan that He has set for me here on earth.
I agree with you in that I am sure having a family would probably be a whole knew level of happiness. ANd that people who are happily married want others to be so too. But I also know that when you try to force things before their time you can bring yourself misery a lot of problems, even with something as good as a family. So that is why we wait on the Lord.
ALso, I don't agree that just because there wouldn't be eternity people would all of a sudden be horrible people. I think that Karma would still exist, (in other words if you treat someone else like crap they would treat you that way). That is enough motivation for most to treat others well. Secondly, like you mentioned look at the world around you. Mormons and religious people aren't the only ones with families. I think as mormon's we often only see things through the "eternal perspective" which I'm not saying is altogether bad. But there are a lot of benefits to having a family besides being together for eternity. This is faulty thinking that totally to assume that just because a religion isn't a factor a family can't offer any other benefit or happiness.
Sorry fos such a long post but it is definetly something I've had a lot of issues with.
ha ha sorry for all the gramatical errors ps. ANd one more thing! I believe with all of my heart that any woman that thinks she is doing the right thing by staying home all day and changin diapers is NOT doing the right thing. Even stay at home moms need to teach their children by example of hard work, continuing education, learning new skills, developing talents and community service.
You're only 24. You've got plenty of life left to have kids. These are the last glimmers of "you time" that you have if you do have kids later.
Once you have kids, life is over. Ha.
So focus on achieving your dreams now and accomplish those goals. I mean, I don't think mom started having us until 26 or so. It's probably just the Utah way of things to believe women are supposed to get married at 18 and have 13 bazillion children by the age of 29.
Hey Clare. Do you mind that I read your blog? You can ask me not too, and that's ok.
Anyhow, I had a few thoughts. Sometimes I think as LDS women we pigeon hole our vision of what the rest of the world is like. I definitely don't think all people who don't believe in God don't have children (there were a lot of negatives in there, sorry). Maybe the fault was in the question... because then it assumed that We (the almighty Us vs. Them) are different. Or that they are different from us. I think there are a lot of good people in both categories (us and them) who are doing good things with their lives.
I think the important thing is doing what is right for you and your family. It's an intensely personal decision (no matter what anyone says about it) to start a family. Working and experiencing life isn't bad. Getting an education is definitely good. Having a family is essential to the plan. All in their times and seasons... which will be a little bit different for every family.
I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if I had gotten married at 20 instead of 26. Would I have had kids right away? I honestly don't know. But I am super glad I finished my degree, went on a mission, and was able to work--and love working--before family came into my time table (even though I had my moments of frustration with that time table!). I'm also super glad I starting having kids as soon as I got married. I feel like all of those experiences have and will enrich my life as a stay-at-home mother. I also look forward to getting a masters degree someday (although I don't feel any pressure to do that any time soon) and maybe teaching at a college level. Maybe or maybe not that will be the right thing for my family sometime in the future.
The important thing, I think, is that every time I make a major life decision, I make it a serious matter of prayer. I'm willing to change my plans if Heavenly Father needs or wants me to. So far he's been pretty good at approving my decisions and letting everything work out just right for me. If someone is pretty sure they AREN'T making the choices Heavenly Father wants them too, but does it anyway, then there's a problem. The problem isn't the career or the promotion (congratulations!!) or the waiting (or not) on having kids.
If you and your husband have the approval of heaven to wait, then don't worry about what anyone else has to say about it!! And good luck with your promotion!
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